


Sweet Talker

by BuckyKingOfMemes



Series: If You Give A Supersoldier Internet Access... [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes is Worthy, Bucky's not dumb he's just an asshole, Gen, Mjolnir - Freeform, Sentient Mjolnir (Marvel), Thor's not dumb he's just an alien, buckykingofmemes, mentions of other MCU characters - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-13
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-12-01 12:16:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11486211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BuckyKingOfMemes/pseuds/BuckyKingOfMemes
Summary: Bucky is worthy. Thor is...confused.Or, How Bucky Won Over The Hammer Of Thor.





	1. Chapter 1

_Or, How Bucky Won Over The Hammer Of Thor._

 

Thor enjoyed the pleasant fragrances of Midgardian soaps. The one in the common-floor bathroom was labelled “Lavender Daydream” and was tinted a mild purple. It had a gentle floral scent with a slightly acrid undertone, and Thor wondered absently if Midgard had an actual plant named lavender, or if it was like blue-flavored drinks, with no non-artificial analogue. With Midgard, there was no way to tell. Regardless, it was a pleasing scent, and Thor would enjoy the soothing scent and gentle moisturizing properties of the liquid. 

Midgard was such a fascinating world. 

Thor toweled his hands dry and stepped out of the bathroom, intending to head towards the kitchen. Bruce had left some curry in the fridge, and Thor wanted to test his mettle against his perennial foe, the spicy pepper. 

He took one imperious stride into the common room and tripped. He caught himself on lavender-scented palms, just shy of sprawling flat on his face on the carpet. 

Sitting innocently in the middle of the hallway was Mjolnir. 

Strange. He was  _sure_ he’d left his hammer on the sofa. 

* * *

_kingofmemes posted:_

_common room rules state that_ anything unlabeled is fair for anyone to use _. shoulda put a sticky note on your mythological weapon of unimaginable power before you left it on my seat buddy_

_Posted at 3:23 pm, 4729 notes_

* * *

Steve had said the steaks needed tenderizing before they could be grilled. Thor was unsure of what beast the steaks had come from, but they looked a bit like bilgesnipe flanks, which required the fists of a strong cook for an hour before they were tender enough to cut. 

Intending to reduce the time spent on the task, Thor raised his hand and summoned his weapon from where he’d left it in the gym. He could hear it whizzing down the hallway, and continued to examine the meat without turning to watch it arrive. Midgardians were so fragile; perhaps their cattle was alike? Might the hammer be too much force? Well, he had a couple dozen steaks to work with; if the first one proved too frail, he would simply try–

The hammer came to a perfect stop against his palm, and Thor found himself abruptly within a sparkling pink cloud. 

His first thought was magic, but there was none of the electricity-on-skin feel of true enchantment. No, this was the strange substance called glitter, which Clint had bafflingly described as “the herpes of art.” It rained in a shimmering mist from his hammer, and there was a gleaming trail down the hallway along Mjolnir’s flight path. Thor could feel it settling on his skin and clothes, and blinked to clear it from his eyelashes. His hammer remained coated in a thin sheen of pink powder. 

Who–

Why–? 

This was going to take  _forever_ to get off, he could just tell. 

* * *

_kingofmemes posted:_

_i’ll teach you to leave your crap in the middle of the gym floor where anyone can trip on it. i may have a broken toe, but you will know true pain, my friend.  revenge is a dish best served pink._

_Posted at 4:56 pm, 28402 notes_

* * *

Mjolnir, weapon of the gods, smith of thunder, was covered in yarn. 

Fuzzy, red yarn, with a slightly furry aura of loose fiber and a pompom attached at the handle. The knitted hammer cozy fit snugly around the ancient metal, and on the side opposite Odin’s inscription, picked out in silver embroidery thread, was the title “ _World’s Best Bludgeon_.”

Thor had no idea what to make of it. 

Cautiously, he reached out and took his weapon. The yarn around the grip made the handle comfortably plush. What the cozy lost in intimidation it clearly made up in user-friendliness. Thor had heard tell of the Stark Tower Stitch&Bitch and their adventures into fibercraft, much like his own noble mother practiced. Which nonetheless did not explain how a tiny hammer sweater had gotten onto Mjolnir in the first place.

Perhaps Darcy would know. Darcy had many explanations for the mysteries of Midgard, though deciphering her explanations was a craft all its own. Nonetheless, Thor was determined to discover who had made the hammer cozy.

Mjolnir was not supposed to be  _cute_. 

* * *

_kingofmemes posted:_

_i am the ultimate combination of cute and murderous. things get cuter and more lethal just by being in my presence. check out how fluffy my sweater is, i knit it myself. im gonna adorable somebody to_ death

_Posted at 7:46 pm, 27493 notes_

* * *

Mjolnir was sitting on the coffee table, precisely where he’d left it. 

Or…almost precisely where he’d left it. Thor was pretty sure he had not set his hammer atop a copy of _A Cheap Trick & A Cheesy One Liner: The Unofficial Biography of Tony Stank, as Experienced by James Rhodes_. In fact, Thor was quite sure that the coffee table had been bare when he set down his hammer. 

Thor summoned his hammer, and it leaped to his hand with a lingering trail of pink glitter. He retrieved the book and opened it.[ Inside was a crushed circlet of dandelions and daisies](http://buckykingofmemes.tumblr.com/post/159244209776/closet-softie). The pages were stained yellow, including a black-and-white photo of a young James Rhodes and Tony Stark on spring break, bedecked in flower leis and beer hats.  _Beer hats-_ -Thor marveled again at the ingenuity of mortals. 

It must be the Vision, for he alone of the Avengers had proved worthy of the hammer. But for what purpose had Mjolnir been moved? 

The lady Jane had placed the Asgardian twilight bloom which Thor had brought her into a book thus, when the flower had begun to wilt. She claimed it was a method of preservation, to keep it from rotting, so she might have it as a token for years to come. Perhaps someone was preserving the circlet in the same manner? 

If that were the case, Thor would not hinder the creation of such a keepsake. He returned the flowers to the book and placed it back upon the table, then settled the hammer where it had been before.

Now. Where would Tony Stark be? Thor desired ownership of a beer hat. 

* * *

_kingofmemes posted:_

_turns out the heart of a star is plenty dense to use for flower pressing. much better than a stack of encyclopedias._

_Posted at 11:27 am, 86953 notes_

* * *

Mjolnir was not where Thor had left it–again. It was becoming a worrying trend, but Thor was not overly concerned, for anyone who could steal his hammer must be worthy of its use. Though he did wonder at why the Vision kept moving it. Perhaps if he went to investigate, he might catch the android making use of it, and thereby determine his intent. 

Thor set off down the corridor towards the Avenger’s private quarters, making use of millennia of stealth training. His tread may not be so light as Loki’s, but it served his purpose well. 

When he was yet five doors away from the Vision’s, Thor heard a quiet muttering coming from Barnes’s open door. Curious, Thor stepped into the gap.

Barnes had his steel hand wrapped around Mjolnir’s handle where it rested on his side table, and was murmuring…endearments?

“Listen, lovely lady, I just gotta sink a couple nails for this painting Stevie made. I know it’s beneath you, starstuff dame like you are, but Tony’s got all the regular hammers stashed down in his workshop for some reason, and every time I go down there Dum-E wants to arm wrestle, so if you wouldn’t mind…?”

The hammer lifted in his steel grip, as light as a feather.

Thor knocked the door off its hinges as he burst into the room. Barnes startled and whirled, drawing the weapon back, and accidentally sunk it eight inches into the drywall on his backswing.

“Shield brother!” Thor bellowed, delighted, “I am delighted! Never had I thought to find another worthy of Mjolnir, and she is so fond of you!” Thor rushed forward to embrace Barnes, briefly forgetting in his excitement that Barnes did not welcome physical contact. Barnes, wild-eyed, yanked the hammer out of the wall and caught Thor across the jaw. 

Thor toppled like Darcy after Vodka Night with Natasha. 

Mjolnir hummed in Barnes’s grip. “Sorry, ma’m. But you gotta admit he had it coming.” 

Mjolnir hummed again. Thor  _had_ had it coming, but he could hardly be blamed for getting over-excited. Mjolnir was worth excitement. 

“Fine. He can have a hug when he wakes up. But  _slowly_. And later he’s gotta teach me how to electrocute stuff.”

* * *

Thor was very apologetic when he woke, and gleefully accepted the offered embrace. And then he went to get the celebratory feast started. 

Mjolnir and Bucky sunk two nails in the wall and hung up Steve’s painting. The drywall repair would have to wait for another day.

* * *

_kingofmemes posted:_

_a little sweet talk goes a long way, both with ladies and with sentient weapons with a ladylike disposition._

_not as far as a little spackle does, though._

_Posted at 6:32 pm, 79402 notes_


	2. obligatory fanart




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